What we think affects what we feel, and what we feel affects the actions we do or do not take. Therefore, what you think is important. Thinking takes you out of the present, either to the past as in “It shouldn’t have happened” or to the future, “Oh my, what will happen.” The past is over and can’t be argued with and the future hasn’t happened. All we have left to deal with is the Present, the Here and the Now. Arguing with “what is” causes us internal conflict. I suggest that we start questioning our thoughts, especially those that are not productive.
An example: I take tennis lessons. It has taken me years to work my way up to the Advanced One category. Some time ago, X joined our class. She had never really played tennis before but was a good athlete. She drove me nuts. She spoke when someone was serving—a real “no-no.” She didn’t understand that the ball was called in if it landed on half of the line. She would argue that it was on the outer ½ of the line. Any time I played with her, I was so angry that my playing got worse. So the pattern was:
- Thought: X shouldn’t be in this class because she is not an advanced tennis player.
- Emotion: I was angry and felt that she was given something that I worked hard for. I felt it was unfair.
- Action: My playing got worse.
This would have continued indefinitely until one morning when I looked around the class and realized that if X were not in the class, I would be the worst in the class—quite a perspective. The horror of this helped me shift my thinking.
- Thought: If X weren’t here, I would be the worst in the class.
- Emotion: I was grateful to X.
- Action: My tennis playing was back to normal.
Last week I listened in to a coaching call on getting rid of stress—certainly a byproduct of job search or “being in transition.” Robyn Feldberg of Abundant Success Career Coaching, http://abundantsuccesscoach.com, used the work of Byron Katie’s book LOVING WHAT IS (Four Questions that Can Change Your Life to talk about getting rid of stress. Robyn said that “when you argue with reality, you lose 100% of the time.” So if you are upset that it is raining or that your job search is taking too long, sorry Charlie, it just is. The stress comes from the thought that it shouldn’t be happening. That thought and the stress that comes from it also puts a speed bump into your search. Thanks to Robyn for a very helpful call. She recommends Byron Katie’s book and I concur. You can look up the four questions and other helpful hints at Katie’s web site www.thework.org.
By the way, acceptance of “what is” does not preclude action. The acceptance frees us to take appropriate action.
PLEASE COMMENT
Once again, I would appreciate any experiences, comments or questions that will help other readers. I would particularly enjoy some humorous experiences and success stories. Once a month, I will choose one commenter to contact for a free coaching session.
HOW TO REACH ME
QUOTE FOR THE WEEK
An African proverb, “The barn burned down, now I can see the moon.”
